This just in, Julia went on the big swing at the park for the first time today. The triumph in this lies in the fact that ever since shes was a baby she did not like swings. Not even her baby swing. So her willingly going on the swings today was a big deal. Hopefully this will stick, because who wants to be the kid at school that doesn't like the swings. In other news, I'm still pregnant!!! I really shouldn't complain because I'm not even close to my due date. And by not close, I mean I'm due on the 31st and it's only the 7th. But I tell you I am so done being pregnant. I have run out of things to do to get ready for this baby. I have run out cute clothes. And I just want to be able to tie my shoes again, thanks to Toms Shoes I don't have to worry about that much though. All in all it has been a very easy pregnancy. I should consider myself blessed. And I do. But I also have the "I'm nine months pregnant and want my body back, can't wait to meet this new little one" blues. Yeah, try putting that into a country song. I also want to be able to play with Julia in our usual sort of way instead of having to say "Sorry, mommy can't be a frog and chase you around the house right now." (Because if mommy were to do that, daddy would have to come pick her up off the floor).
But I know, with experience, that this too shall pass and I will look back thinking how fast this pregnancy went by and look back with cherished memories of the miracle of pregnancy and birth.
Until then, I will attempt to keep myself occupied by walking, walking and more walking.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Bitter Sweet Last Days
Yesterday was my last day of work, it was also the day we found out that Brian did not get into the Air Force. Bitter sweet, to say the least. I kept telling myself that in the chance that he did not get in I would keep my faith and not blame God for this. Well, I haven't blamed God for this, but I don't know how my faith is doing. Granted it's only been a day, and not even a full 24 hours at that. But I just feel a little...confused.
I had so much confidence that this was what God wanted for our family. It all seemed perfect, we all got what we wanted. Brian was going to be an office, find something he loved to do and I would be able to be a stay at home mom. We would find a great community of friends and support and be on our way. Travel the world and get out of Tucson.
This is not the case. We are back to square one. Even though I'm not the one that got the rejection I feel as though I did. Which isn't helping me be very supportive for Brian. I want to be stronger through this process. I want to be more positive, and have the faith of child. I want to be able to look this rejection in the face and say "NO! I will not let you get me down". I want to feel this way, but right now I just feel disappointed and sacred and a little doubtful.
In the deep heart of it all it's not the not getting into the Air Force that hurts, it's feeling let down by God. These things have happened so often within the last six years that I'm having a really hard time finding that God really does loves us and care for us. I feel really small for saying that. In my mind I know I should be more mature in my faith to know that no matter what God does love us and not getting jobs, not being able to move, not being able to stay at home with my children all day every day, is not the end of the world and yes...there are millions of people that have it worse. But, having dealt with big crises and small ones...it seems that God is lost in the small ones and easy to find in the big ones.
Before you think that I'm loosing my faith, fear not, I am a very stubborn person and I do still believe that God does work everything out for the good of those who love him. I don't know how, when or why, but I know that He does. So I will wait, pray and listen as best I know how.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Life is like a box of chocolates...or is it dvd's?
Packing day part one has begun. I have packed up seven boxes and about 3/4 of our living room and yet there is still soooo much to do.(Of course, about five of those boxes are just DVD's) But I some how am able to constantly remind myself to just take it one box, room or project at a time. So far this little reminder has worked because I don't really feel that stressed. But that might be because I'm so sticking excited to be moving.
We are moving to another apartment but it's a little bigger with two 1/2 rooms, a fireplace(which we really don't need in tucson) and the best of the best....a washer and dryer!!!! I don't like doing laundry, but I really really don't like walking up and down stairs then walking across our complex with an arm load of laundry as if I'm a college student. So being able to walk into my hallway to a full size washer and dryer is like a little bit of heaven to me. We also have a nice shaded grassy area right outside our apartment for Julia to run round in, which was the final cherry on top of our new home sundae.
Now the question is how long will we be there. We are currently waiting for the air force bored to meet to find out if Brian will be accept in as an officer. Which, if he gets in, would be life changing for us all. Also another very exciting event to look forward to. And I really can't explain why I'm so excited about this one because I've always turned down the idea of being a military family. I just never thought it was for me. But perhaps God has changed my heart for the better. It would give our family opportunities that are hard to come by these days, and possibly most important make my husband happy with his job. I am already so proud of him for even going through the long process that this has been (think of trying to get into a University...on steroids). I think I want this for him more than I want it for any other reason. He deserves to be happy with what he does. He works so hard already at a job that he hates, and I know it's all for his family. So please, anyone who is reading this, send up some prayers and good thoughts for Brian to get in. He truly truly deserves it.
Add that to our little one that is expected in October and we have alot of God's goodness to forward. It is stressful at times but it is in those times I feel God telling me to be thankful. I really do have so much in my life that makes my heart so happy it can hardly contain it. To quote Veggie Tales, Madame Blueberry "A happy heart is a thankful heart."
We are moving to another apartment but it's a little bigger with two 1/2 rooms, a fireplace(which we really don't need in tucson) and the best of the best....a washer and dryer!!!! I don't like doing laundry, but I really really don't like walking up and down stairs then walking across our complex with an arm load of laundry as if I'm a college student. So being able to walk into my hallway to a full size washer and dryer is like a little bit of heaven to me. We also have a nice shaded grassy area right outside our apartment for Julia to run round in, which was the final cherry on top of our new home sundae.
Now the question is how long will we be there. We are currently waiting for the air force bored to meet to find out if Brian will be accept in as an officer. Which, if he gets in, would be life changing for us all. Also another very exciting event to look forward to. And I really can't explain why I'm so excited about this one because I've always turned down the idea of being a military family. I just never thought it was for me. But perhaps God has changed my heart for the better. It would give our family opportunities that are hard to come by these days, and possibly most important make my husband happy with his job. I am already so proud of him for even going through the long process that this has been (think of trying to get into a University...on steroids). I think I want this for him more than I want it for any other reason. He deserves to be happy with what he does. He works so hard already at a job that he hates, and I know it's all for his family. So please, anyone who is reading this, send up some prayers and good thoughts for Brian to get in. He truly truly deserves it.
Add that to our little one that is expected in October and we have alot of God's goodness to forward. It is stressful at times but it is in those times I feel God telling me to be thankful. I really do have so much in my life that makes my heart so happy it can hardly contain it. To quote Veggie Tales, Madame Blueberry "A happy heart is a thankful heart."
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
The next day
So I always think the day after my birthday is going to be sad, kind of like the day after Christmas. But it really wasn't. If anything it was kind of like my birthday kept going. It all started when I checked our mail box before work and found at least three birthday cards waiting in there for me including some fun money from my mom and an unexpected card with half naked men on it from a grandmother in-law whom shall remain nameless. As if that wasn't enough to spark my day I opened my wallet to discover all of gifts cards I got yesterday, which means a shopping day for me!
It makes me wonder why as a kid we are always sad when Christmas ends because the next day you just get to play with all of the cool stuff you got...and eat all of the leftovers. And any day that involves copious amounts of food is always a good day in my book.
And to add on a less materialistic note, one reason I love facebook is all of the instant good wishes you get on your birthday, it makes sending good thoughts very convient and who doesn't like seeing a wall full of good thoughts.
I should add as a final note that while this may seem like a very odd blog to share, it is a rather large stepping stone for me as I have always hated my birthday. I won't go into details except to say that unfortunate events happened around my birthday at a very impressionable age and somewhat scared me to no fault of anyone. So for me to say that my birthday (where nothing extordinary happened) was a good day is quite a large step in the right direction. So here's to birthdays and here's to wonderful years to follow.
It makes me wonder why as a kid we are always sad when Christmas ends because the next day you just get to play with all of the cool stuff you got...and eat all of the leftovers. And any day that involves copious amounts of food is always a good day in my book.
And to add on a less materialistic note, one reason I love facebook is all of the instant good wishes you get on your birthday, it makes sending good thoughts very convient and who doesn't like seeing a wall full of good thoughts.
I should add as a final note that while this may seem like a very odd blog to share, it is a rather large stepping stone for me as I have always hated my birthday. I won't go into details except to say that unfortunate events happened around my birthday at a very impressionable age and somewhat scared me to no fault of anyone. So for me to say that my birthday (where nothing extordinary happened) was a good day is quite a large step in the right direction. So here's to birthdays and here's to wonderful years to follow.
Monday, June 13, 2011
It's my birthday!
Today is my birthday and is has been a grand one. I got confetti cupcakes at work, which, let's face it, are the happiest cupcakes ever. I found out that we are going to be having a little boy come Halloween (if he decides to be on time). I had some delicious steak, pasta and bread sticks for dinner and am now able to sit and relax..for as long as Julia is busy entertaining herself. It's been a good day. But of course a day as a mom is not complete with out cleaning up some sort of mess which today was scattered droppings of poop that lead from the bathroom (which is where the naked little girl ran from right after her bath) around the living room and somewhere under the table. This does not happen often but it's funny when it does. Sometimes toddlers and puppies are very much alike.
Friday, May 27, 2011
Waffles
"...and in the morning, I'm makin waffles." and that's just I did. After negative nancy got the best of me last night I woke up in the morning and made waffles.
They were simple, bisquick type waffles but they hit the spot. Buttery, flaky, sweet and filling. Julia enjoyed them as well and even asked for more, which always makes a mom happy :)
Then we watched a little bit of an animal show where Julia will sit and copy each animal sound, yes, it really is the cutest thing ever. I turned on some Pandora to my favorite classical station and thus started one of the most peaceful morning's I've had in a long time.
It was a simple morning. Much like making waffles. It's not a huge production, it's batter on an iron and it's delicious. It's tiny squares that you can pour sweet syrup into one at a time or drizzle a little bit over each row. It doesn't much matter, waffles don't care. They are compartmentalized, digested and enjoyed. So when life gets you down, forget about lemons...make some waffles!
They were simple, bisquick type waffles but they hit the spot. Buttery, flaky, sweet and filling. Julia enjoyed them as well and even asked for more, which always makes a mom happy :)
Then we watched a little bit of an animal show where Julia will sit and copy each animal sound, yes, it really is the cutest thing ever. I turned on some Pandora to my favorite classical station and thus started one of the most peaceful morning's I've had in a long time.
It was a simple morning. Much like making waffles. It's not a huge production, it's batter on an iron and it's delicious. It's tiny squares that you can pour sweet syrup into one at a time or drizzle a little bit over each row. It doesn't much matter, waffles don't care. They are compartmentalized, digested and enjoyed. So when life gets you down, forget about lemons...make some waffles!
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Where have I been?
So here I sit. It is 10:30 PM and I'm sitting at my computer, obviously not sleeping as I am usually in bed by 9, wondering, where have I been? All of my friends are busy posting about their daily lives, which I do enjoy reading, when time permits..and these days there is very little time. Which leads me to where I have been.
I have been working, working, working and working. In the grand scheme of things it is crudely ironic given my last post being about how great God is to have given me a job. Well, it hasn't been all green grass and roses let me tell you. In fact, most days I feel like curling up into a ball and crying because I just can not do it all. And then I hear a song on the radio on my way to work saying phrases such as "You must think I'm strong to make me go through this...but I just can't do it" Ahmen mysterious artist I've never heard of! I really can't do it.
I can not keep my home perfectly clean for even a day. I can not keep my patience with everyone I interact with on a daily basis. I can not be the wife I should be for my Husband, the mother I need to be for my daughter, the boss I should be at work, the family member I assume everyone wants me to be. I simply can not.
Most days I wish for a magic person to show up and just tell me everything I need to hear in that moment, but let's face it...I work in retail, people are not my friend. If I'm not calming down a cranky old customer then I'm calming down my employee that they just yelled at, or vis versa. Or I'm explaining how to do something for the 16th time that day only to find it still to be done incorrectly.
Then I come home. I am happy to come home most days. I am usually greeted by my daughter with a big smile as she comes running to give me a hug. Although these days, as she is almost 2 I'm usually greeted with crys or yealling or both...ah it's good to be mom.
But that's just the thing, it is good to be a mom. I love it. I love it more than I ever thought I would. And that's why I feel completely torn everyday I leave my family behind. I just keep telling myself that thousands of parents raise perfectly fin kids while they both work full time jobs. And it works for them, I don't know how, but it does. And then I have this voice in the back of my head..at what cost?
I know I can only speak for myself. But at the end of the day after people have been yealling at me, after I have used up every last ounce of patience I have, I am not the best parent or wife I can be.
I'm drained, spent, all dried up. I use the best of me at work with people that I only care for about 50% of the time. I care 110% for my husband and daughter and they get about 35% of me. It's backwards living at it's best. I might be able to justify all of this if I really liked my job, but I don't. I do it for the money which leaves an ache in my heart everytime I think about it (You see, I just don't like money...but that's another blog at another time..or rant I should say).
I'm sure there are women out there that are going through this same thing. But I just always asume they are handeling it better than I am. I don't even know that I'm looking for answers. I just want some sort of balance and to not feel like I have let someone down at the end of the day. Ugh...if only there were some examples of women who don't have it all together, or at least don't pretend to...those are some women I could follow.
I have been working, working, working and working. In the grand scheme of things it is crudely ironic given my last post being about how great God is to have given me a job. Well, it hasn't been all green grass and roses let me tell you. In fact, most days I feel like curling up into a ball and crying because I just can not do it all. And then I hear a song on the radio on my way to work saying phrases such as "You must think I'm strong to make me go through this...but I just can't do it" Ahmen mysterious artist I've never heard of! I really can't do it.
I can not keep my home perfectly clean for even a day. I can not keep my patience with everyone I interact with on a daily basis. I can not be the wife I should be for my Husband, the mother I need to be for my daughter, the boss I should be at work, the family member I assume everyone wants me to be. I simply can not.
Most days I wish for a magic person to show up and just tell me everything I need to hear in that moment, but let's face it...I work in retail, people are not my friend. If I'm not calming down a cranky old customer then I'm calming down my employee that they just yelled at, or vis versa. Or I'm explaining how to do something for the 16th time that day only to find it still to be done incorrectly.
Then I come home. I am happy to come home most days. I am usually greeted by my daughter with a big smile as she comes running to give me a hug. Although these days, as she is almost 2 I'm usually greeted with crys or yealling or both...ah it's good to be mom.
But that's just the thing, it is good to be a mom. I love it. I love it more than I ever thought I would. And that's why I feel completely torn everyday I leave my family behind. I just keep telling myself that thousands of parents raise perfectly fin kids while they both work full time jobs. And it works for them, I don't know how, but it does. And then I have this voice in the back of my head..at what cost?
I know I can only speak for myself. But at the end of the day after people have been yealling at me, after I have used up every last ounce of patience I have, I am not the best parent or wife I can be.
I'm drained, spent, all dried up. I use the best of me at work with people that I only care for about 50% of the time. I care 110% for my husband and daughter and they get about 35% of me. It's backwards living at it's best. I might be able to justify all of this if I really liked my job, but I don't. I do it for the money which leaves an ache in my heart everytime I think about it (You see, I just don't like money...but that's another blog at another time..or rant I should say).
I'm sure there are women out there that are going through this same thing. But I just always asume they are handeling it better than I am. I don't even know that I'm looking for answers. I just want some sort of balance and to not feel like I have let someone down at the end of the day. Ugh...if only there were some examples of women who don't have it all together, or at least don't pretend to...those are some women I could follow.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Peace
What is this bright light I see? Could it be...the illustrious light at the end of the tunnel? I think it just might be.
I have been searching for a job for a couple of months now. I fought this job seeking at first because I didn't want to work, I wanted to stay at home with my little girl. But I prayed, and prayed, and prayed some more (with probably a lot of complaining thrown in there) and I finally grew up. I got my head out of the sand pit I buried it in and realized that we don't need to know all of the answers, we just need to know WHO has the answer. I still don't know the answer for that matter, but I do know that God has provided for me not one but two jobs! As many people have told me within that past week, "when it rains it pours".
Through this process I have learned a couple of important things about myself and about life. One, family is more important to me than anything, and certainly more important than any amount of money or status. God still does answer prayer(believe me this was one important thing that I needed...and I say NEEDED to be reminded of). And if we allow ourselves to be free of this world and it's daily pressures to be perfect, we can still hear God's still small voice. It's still there, in the midst of panic, stress, and paying bills, God is still there. And that gives me peace.
Peace that He will help be the mother I am suppose to be, peace that He will give me the unconditional love to share with my wonderful husband, and peace that whatever comes our way...and I mean whatever, He will be there. I constantly need reminding of this, I am a fallen sinner everyday, but I know now, through the thick and thin, He will be there. And that is all I need to know.
I have been searching for a job for a couple of months now. I fought this job seeking at first because I didn't want to work, I wanted to stay at home with my little girl. But I prayed, and prayed, and prayed some more (with probably a lot of complaining thrown in there) and I finally grew up. I got my head out of the sand pit I buried it in and realized that we don't need to know all of the answers, we just need to know WHO has the answer. I still don't know the answer for that matter, but I do know that God has provided for me not one but two jobs! As many people have told me within that past week, "when it rains it pours".
Through this process I have learned a couple of important things about myself and about life. One, family is more important to me than anything, and certainly more important than any amount of money or status. God still does answer prayer(believe me this was one important thing that I needed...and I say NEEDED to be reminded of). And if we allow ourselves to be free of this world and it's daily pressures to be perfect, we can still hear God's still small voice. It's still there, in the midst of panic, stress, and paying bills, God is still there. And that gives me peace.
Peace that He will help be the mother I am suppose to be, peace that He will give me the unconditional love to share with my wonderful husband, and peace that whatever comes our way...and I mean whatever, He will be there. I constantly need reminding of this, I am a fallen sinner everyday, but I know now, through the thick and thin, He will be there. And that is all I need to know.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
I believe the little engine said it best
What is it that little blue engine said? "I think I can, I think I can." Well ladies and gents, that would be me right about now. Movin on up that hill telling myself "I think I can, I think I can..." over and over.
I am still jobless and as the time passes so does my confidence. BUT I do know something that the rest of the working world apparently does not, I am a great person. Who wouldn't want to hire me??? I me come on. I rock. It's just a fact. So world...prepare to be rocked by yours truly, because one day I will have a job and I will rock it's socks off.
(Note to self: Read to boost confidence)
In other news, Julia is trying her hardest to stand on her own, which will only lead to walking, which will leave her mother in tears at how fast life goes sometimes, but yet still extremely proud to be the mom of such a bundle of joy.
Annndd I am going to California to visit my family soon, which has its ups and downs. A down being that I will be flying with Julia for the first time and Brian will not be there to help maintain my sanity. Hopefully there will be no news to report back on execpt how well behaved my little girl is (knocking on wood... now).
Personally, I am still trying to figure out life's biggest questions and of course, as soon I think I've found an answer God throws a curve ball at me. But I know in the depths of my being that God is good. But yet I never seem to under estimate how big God really is. And He never ceases to remind me. But that's why God is God and I am not. I might be 25 but I still have a lifetime of lessons to learn.
Until next time...
I am still jobless and as the time passes so does my confidence. BUT I do know something that the rest of the working world apparently does not, I am a great person. Who wouldn't want to hire me??? I me come on. I rock. It's just a fact. So world...prepare to be rocked by yours truly, because one day I will have a job and I will rock it's socks off.
(Note to self: Read to boost confidence)
In other news, Julia is trying her hardest to stand on her own, which will only lead to walking, which will leave her mother in tears at how fast life goes sometimes, but yet still extremely proud to be the mom of such a bundle of joy.
Annndd I am going to California to visit my family soon, which has its ups and downs. A down being that I will be flying with Julia for the first time and Brian will not be there to help maintain my sanity. Hopefully there will be no news to report back on execpt how well behaved my little girl is (knocking on wood... now).
Personally, I am still trying to figure out life's biggest questions and of course, as soon I think I've found an answer God throws a curve ball at me. But I know in the depths of my being that God is good. But yet I never seem to under estimate how big God really is. And He never ceases to remind me. But that's why God is God and I am not. I might be 25 but I still have a lifetime of lessons to learn.
Until next time...
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Love is in the air
It's my anniversary today! Four years ago I was getting dressed in a beautiful white gown, adorned with veil, jewels and some really rockin shoes on my way to meet my matching heart down the aisle. Yes we were married young. Yes there have been hardships along the way. But we made it through and we made it out even stronger. (We even have a beautiful little girl to prove it) I couldn't imagine my life being spent with any other man than the wonderful, patient, loving, understanding, funny, handsome man I married. He is a wonderful husband, awesome dad, and the best friend a girl could ask for. I truly thank God for bringing him into my life. I love you honey...you truly make me a better woman.
Now you all may go throw up a little, because I know we make you sick ;)
Now you all may go throw up a little, because I know we make you sick ;)
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
When life gives you lemons....
June. June you are a fickle month. During the month of June I get to travel the emotional road of not only the anniversary of my Dad's death (June 7th), my Dad's memorial service (June 12th), my birthday (June 13th)and Father's Day (yippee...my dad's dead, as is my grandpa). Oddly enough, I still like June. It reminds me that I'm human and allowed to feel bad, to have dark days...or month.
This particular June is starting out with a bang. I did not get the job that I desperately wanted. I am now on a crazy job hunt. I have decided to go back to school, because I'm sick and tired of feeling unqualified and sick and tired of being looked over because I don't have one stupid piece of paper that says "yes. I am smart enough to fall asleep through most of my classes and still turn a paper in on time."
And to top it off I have a mysterious skin condition that I will more than likely have to have surgery for. Like I said...BANG! (I never said it was a good bang. It's more like the backfire of a car that wakes you up in the middle of the night. A bang that you smack with a bat until it's twitching on the ground.)
All of these things are fairly small. Nothing monumentally horrible about them. The thing that bothers me, that stresses me out the most is the fact that all of these things pull me away from my beautiful, joyful, brings life into your life with just one smile, daughter. (Okay so maybe I'm being a little over dramatic. but dammit it's my blog and I can be).
SO anyways, life is not easy right now. I know it will get better. I know that all of these things will eventually get easier...maybe. and if they don't, then I'll just learn to deal. because that's what you do. Life is hard, and you adapt. That's what I did when my dad died, and this is nowhere near as bad.
This particular June is starting out with a bang. I did not get the job that I desperately wanted. I am now on a crazy job hunt. I have decided to go back to school, because I'm sick and tired of feeling unqualified and sick and tired of being looked over because I don't have one stupid piece of paper that says "yes. I am smart enough to fall asleep through most of my classes and still turn a paper in on time."
And to top it off I have a mysterious skin condition that I will more than likely have to have surgery for. Like I said...BANG! (I never said it was a good bang. It's more like the backfire of a car that wakes you up in the middle of the night. A bang that you smack with a bat until it's twitching on the ground.)
All of these things are fairly small. Nothing monumentally horrible about them. The thing that bothers me, that stresses me out the most is the fact that all of these things pull me away from my beautiful, joyful, brings life into your life with just one smile, daughter. (Okay so maybe I'm being a little over dramatic. but dammit it's my blog and I can be).
SO anyways, life is not easy right now. I know it will get better. I know that all of these things will eventually get easier...maybe. and if they don't, then I'll just learn to deal. because that's what you do. Life is hard, and you adapt. That's what I did when my dad died, and this is nowhere near as bad.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
The truth about the tooth
Julia has her first tooth!!! Okay so maybe it's not all the way through. But yesterday while she was gnawing on my finger, I felt a sharp little edge. Proof that my little girl is growing up faster than I could have ever imagined.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Tired...and when I say tired, I mean TIRED!
This is going to be short. I am Tired. I normally HATE it when people complain about being tired. This not to say that everyone doesn't deserve to give up once in awhile and say "I'm tired", but to mention it everyday as if no one else in the world can possibly be as tired as you is completely and utterly annoying.
For you moms out there...if any of you have ever told me or someone else that you don't know what tired is until you become a mom...you are 100% correct. I'm sure there are other professions out there that are just as tiring, like being a doctor or a nurse...maybe an astronaut...but that's it. (I'm sure there are more, but as I have mentioned, I am tired). So to moms I say "You Rock!" You rarely complain (because who has the time) and you walk through life with patience and love even though, most days, you are freakin tired.
And that's all I have to say about that.
For you moms out there...if any of you have ever told me or someone else that you don't know what tired is until you become a mom...you are 100% correct. I'm sure there are other professions out there that are just as tiring, like being a doctor or a nurse...maybe an astronaut...but that's it. (I'm sure there are more, but as I have mentioned, I am tired). So to moms I say "You Rock!" You rarely complain (because who has the time) and you walk through life with patience and love even though, most days, you are freakin tired.
And that's all I have to say about that.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Grace, and the crazy road it takes to get there
I haven't written in awhile. This is mainly because I feel like I have had nothing positive to say, and I believe Thumper said it best when he told Bambi "If you can't say somethin nice don't say nothin at all."
You see, my life has been on this sort of permanent pause while I wait to hear about a potential job. I won't go into detail except to say that I really want this job and I think, with God's help, I could be good at it.
The idea of having a job has turned my mind into a virtual playground for negative thoughts. I blame most of it on my insecurity. Once I allow myself to go down the self destructive road of insecure thinking, it is almost impossible for me to get back. In fact whenever I do end up here I often wish I could go back for a refresher course in therapy. I become completely crazy and paranoid.
"Why haven't they called yet? Was my application too elementary? Maybe I'm not smart enough. Maybe I'm not old enough, mature enough, spiritual enough, bold enough. Maybe they already found someone and are waiting to tell me." And on and on it goes until I feel like I'm about to scream.
You see...nothin nice to say.
Selfish, negative, unqualified, worthless, little ol' me. But this is only 50% of my brain. The other half is saying positive words. I know that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. And that it is pointless to compare myself to others because we are all different and we are all loved by the Creator of us all. I know this. I do. I try telling myself all of this whenever the negative Nancy monsters attacks. And sometimes it works.
But truthfully, as I think of it now, the only thing that really works is sitting for a moment in the love and presence of Jesus. It is hard to find time to do this amidst the daily tasks of being a mother and wife. But in reality it doesn't take that much time. because He is there waiting. He is always waiting everyday for me to come and say "God, I can't do this! I need You and I need Your love, and I need it now." Because people will fail you, you will fail yourself, but God...God never fails. Sometimes we don't understand. Sometimes we feel like He isn't there or has up and left altogether, never to return. I felt like that. I have felt like for a very long time. But when I finally realized that He was there, that I did need Him regardless of what I have been through...I was freed. I was freed from the bonds of myself and this world and I could just breath. Breath in the fresh, crisp air of forgiveness and never ending, never failing love.
So I say to myself, you are fearfully and wonderfully made and God does love you. Just the way you are...today.
Breath. Rejoice. Accept. Walk in the grace of God's love.
You see, my life has been on this sort of permanent pause while I wait to hear about a potential job. I won't go into detail except to say that I really want this job and I think, with God's help, I could be good at it.
The idea of having a job has turned my mind into a virtual playground for negative thoughts. I blame most of it on my insecurity. Once I allow myself to go down the self destructive road of insecure thinking, it is almost impossible for me to get back. In fact whenever I do end up here I often wish I could go back for a refresher course in therapy. I become completely crazy and paranoid.
"Why haven't they called yet? Was my application too elementary? Maybe I'm not smart enough. Maybe I'm not old enough, mature enough, spiritual enough, bold enough. Maybe they already found someone and are waiting to tell me." And on and on it goes until I feel like I'm about to scream.
You see...nothin nice to say.
Selfish, negative, unqualified, worthless, little ol' me. But this is only 50% of my brain. The other half is saying positive words. I know that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. And that it is pointless to compare myself to others because we are all different and we are all loved by the Creator of us all. I know this. I do. I try telling myself all of this whenever the negative Nancy monsters attacks. And sometimes it works.
But truthfully, as I think of it now, the only thing that really works is sitting for a moment in the love and presence of Jesus. It is hard to find time to do this amidst the daily tasks of being a mother and wife. But in reality it doesn't take that much time. because He is there waiting. He is always waiting everyday for me to come and say "God, I can't do this! I need You and I need Your love, and I need it now." Because people will fail you, you will fail yourself, but God...God never fails. Sometimes we don't understand. Sometimes we feel like He isn't there or has up and left altogether, never to return. I felt like that. I have felt like for a very long time. But when I finally realized that He was there, that I did need Him regardless of what I have been through...I was freed. I was freed from the bonds of myself and this world and I could just breath. Breath in the fresh, crisp air of forgiveness and never ending, never failing love.
So I say to myself, you are fearfully and wonderfully made and God does love you. Just the way you are...today.
Breath. Rejoice. Accept. Walk in the grace of God's love.
Monday, April 19, 2010
What is this fear?
"You cannot stand aside;
the overwhelming tide rushes through,
though you may try,
You cannot stand aside,
you will be swept into the wave of gladness.
What is the fear that holds you here?
why can't you rush into the tide,
and let your spirit soar: what is the fear?
You cannot stand aside;
the overwhelming tide rushes through,
though you may try,
You cannot stand aside,
for if you have not felt the Spirit's call,
you have not read your heart!
You cannot, you dare not stand idle.
What is this fear that holds you here?
Why can't you rush into the tide,
and let your spirit soar: and throw aside your life?
Go with Christ!"
Go with Christ, Schurr
the overwhelming tide rushes through,
though you may try,
You cannot stand aside,
you will be swept into the wave of gladness.
What is the fear that holds you here?
why can't you rush into the tide,
and let your spirit soar: what is the fear?
You cannot stand aside;
the overwhelming tide rushes through,
though you may try,
You cannot stand aside,
for if you have not felt the Spirit's call,
you have not read your heart!
You cannot, you dare not stand idle.
What is this fear that holds you here?
Why can't you rush into the tide,
and let your spirit soar: and throw aside your life?
Go with Christ!"
Go with Christ, Schurr
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Beautiful Simplicity
Rubber duckies make everything better. I was giving Julia a bath tonight and I gave her a rubber ducky to play with while she took her bath. She is able to sit up well enough now, that the excitement of a new toy will not force her to tumble over in joy. As I sat watching her learn how to splash her hands in the water while maintaining constant guard of her new ducky, I realized that sometimes life is just simple. Giving Julia a rubber ducky made her previous grumpiness disappear. It was forgotten the moment she got her little chubby hands on her new bath time friend.
If only we, as adults, could let things go as easily.I can say, that after giving Julia her bath and watching her face light up with the beautiful simplicity of a new toy, I felt my heart lighten, and my troubles didn't seem so bad. Maybe all it takes sometimes, is a new rubber ducky.
If only we, as adults, could let things go as easily.I can say, that after giving Julia her bath and watching her face light up with the beautiful simplicity of a new toy, I felt my heart lighten, and my troubles didn't seem so bad. Maybe all it takes sometimes, is a new rubber ducky.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
A Morning in My Shoes
I seem to be keeping in some kind of order of writing random thoughts and then writing something about Julia. So with that in mind I give you the following.
Sun is up. Husband is off to work already. Julia starts to wake up. Please God, let her sleep just a little longer, please, please, please. No deal. Julia looks up at me with a smile that could melt the heart of the Grinch himself and all is forgiven.
Shuffle out into the living room with Julia in tow. Open blinds. Look outside to see what kind of weather we are having today. Think to myself I should really get outside more often. Maybe I'll walk around the park today know that I really won't walk around the park and will settle for a quick walk to the mail box...if that.
Set Julia down on her blanket by the TV. Turn on Baby Einstein. Walk to kitchen to make coffee. Realize that in two seconds Julia has managed to make a bee line for a forbidden object, bypassing all of her toys. Point out to myself that even at six months of age we are tempted by what we can't have. Play with Julia while coffee is brewing.
Coffee is done. Drink coffee. Look forward to the day when I no longer have to limit my caffeine intake.
Video is done. Breakfast has been eaten. Coffee has been drunk. It's only 10 AM. Brian will be home in three hours providing a break for me and someone to talk to who doesn't babble and drool. What do we do until then?
Julia takes a nap. Consider taking a nap myself. Look at kitchen. Make a sad face realizing that I can't take a nap because I have yet to invent the self cleaning kitchen. Use Facebook as procrastination tool. Never get around to cleaning the kitchen.
Julia wakes up. Find something to watch or music to listen to because we don't have cable. Regret the decision to get rid of the cable. Think of ways to convince Brian that cable is necessary. Realize that no...cable is not necessary. Put on something suitable for both Julia and I to watch. Play with Julia.
Watch Julia moving about learning to crawl. Look into her eyes and see the hope of tomorrow looking back at me. How did I get so blessed? Sit for a moment in awe of God's creation. Beautiful. Strong. Curious. Wondering. Happy. Loving Baby. Realize I've sat too long in awe. Pick up Julia out of corner eating a DVD box set.
Door opens. Brian is home.
Day passes into night. Waking turns to sleeping. Start all over again tomorrow.
Sun is up. Husband is off to work already. Julia starts to wake up. Please God, let her sleep just a little longer, please, please, please. No deal. Julia looks up at me with a smile that could melt the heart of the Grinch himself and all is forgiven.
Shuffle out into the living room with Julia in tow. Open blinds. Look outside to see what kind of weather we are having today. Think to myself I should really get outside more often. Maybe I'll walk around the park today know that I really won't walk around the park and will settle for a quick walk to the mail box...if that.
Set Julia down on her blanket by the TV. Turn on Baby Einstein. Walk to kitchen to make coffee. Realize that in two seconds Julia has managed to make a bee line for a forbidden object, bypassing all of her toys. Point out to myself that even at six months of age we are tempted by what we can't have. Play with Julia while coffee is brewing.
Coffee is done. Drink coffee. Look forward to the day when I no longer have to limit my caffeine intake.
Video is done. Breakfast has been eaten. Coffee has been drunk. It's only 10 AM. Brian will be home in three hours providing a break for me and someone to talk to who doesn't babble and drool. What do we do until then?
Julia takes a nap. Consider taking a nap myself. Look at kitchen. Make a sad face realizing that I can't take a nap because I have yet to invent the self cleaning kitchen. Use Facebook as procrastination tool. Never get around to cleaning the kitchen.
Julia wakes up. Find something to watch or music to listen to because we don't have cable. Regret the decision to get rid of the cable. Think of ways to convince Brian that cable is necessary. Realize that no...cable is not necessary. Put on something suitable for both Julia and I to watch. Play with Julia.
Watch Julia moving about learning to crawl. Look into her eyes and see the hope of tomorrow looking back at me. How did I get so blessed? Sit for a moment in awe of God's creation. Beautiful. Strong. Curious. Wondering. Happy. Loving Baby. Realize I've sat too long in awe. Pick up Julia out of corner eating a DVD box set.
Door opens. Brian is home.
Day passes into night. Waking turns to sleeping. Start all over again tomorrow.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Super Women of the world...Unite!
I have a lot to say but I don't know how to say it. I'm frustrated, I'm angry, I'm jealous...I'm interrupted by a crying baby, I'm sad, I'm happy, I'm in love, I'm in awe. I am all of these things at least 20 times a day and I'm exhausted. Am I bad mom for saying this? Probably not...just honest. Why can't we be honest about how we feel anymore? Especially women. Some how we have gotten it in our heads that we have to fancy ourselves super woman and we have to be the best...and I HATE it!
I hate how competitive I am with other women. I have to be the best cook, the best mom, the best wife, the best housekeeper, the best writer, the best Christian, the best leader, the best daughter, the best sister, the best friend, the best woman there ever was.
How did we get here? Women couldn't have always been like this. I mean they use to live in close community with one another. They use to help one another raise their children, clean their homes, cook their meals. But if some other women were to come into my home and attempt to raise my children, clean my home and cook my meals I would through a fit! Which may have more to do with my stubbornness than my competitiveness...though they kind of go hand in hand.
You might be sitting there thinking "oh my! Lindsey has some issues" which I do, but don't think for a moment that you don't deal with the same thing at least some of the time. I don't know a woman out there who hasn't been jealous or slightly competitive with another woman. Maybe she has a better job, a better house, a better a car, or better hair, longer legs, and all around seems like she has a perfect life.
You know where thinking like that lands you? Nowhere! Absolutely smack dab in the middle of the barren desert with nothing but your negativing to keep you company. And that is where I spend way too much of my time.
So what do we do about this problem of ours? I say we start with being honest. I know I've said it before but I'll say it again...we need to be more honest. Do you know how flattering it is to know that some other woman you are close to is actually jealous of you?! Now I'm not promoting jealousy by any means. I think it's a cruel monster that preys on us when are weak. But it nevertheless attacks and we nevertheless give in.
I will finish by saying this, if you are a woman and you are in my life, in a big way or a small way, I guarantee that I have been jealous of you and have felt competitive with you in some way. For that I am sorry. Jealousy never brings out the best in me and it certainly never helps bring people closer together. But I do hope to better myself by being honest with you about what I love in you, what I'm admire in you, and how much I appreciate you. Because if it weren't for the amazing women in my life I wouldn't be who I am today and I certainly would not be able to get to where ever it is that I'm going. You are all beautiful, and you are all loved. Thank you, for being in my life.
I hate how competitive I am with other women. I have to be the best cook, the best mom, the best wife, the best housekeeper, the best writer, the best Christian, the best leader, the best daughter, the best sister, the best friend, the best woman there ever was.
How did we get here? Women couldn't have always been like this. I mean they use to live in close community with one another. They use to help one another raise their children, clean their homes, cook their meals. But if some other women were to come into my home and attempt to raise my children, clean my home and cook my meals I would through a fit! Which may have more to do with my stubbornness than my competitiveness...though they kind of go hand in hand.
You might be sitting there thinking "oh my! Lindsey has some issues" which I do, but don't think for a moment that you don't deal with the same thing at least some of the time. I don't know a woman out there who hasn't been jealous or slightly competitive with another woman. Maybe she has a better job, a better house, a better a car, or better hair, longer legs, and all around seems like she has a perfect life.
You know where thinking like that lands you? Nowhere! Absolutely smack dab in the middle of the barren desert with nothing but your negativing to keep you company. And that is where I spend way too much of my time.
So what do we do about this problem of ours? I say we start with being honest. I know I've said it before but I'll say it again...we need to be more honest. Do you know how flattering it is to know that some other woman you are close to is actually jealous of you?! Now I'm not promoting jealousy by any means. I think it's a cruel monster that preys on us when are weak. But it nevertheless attacks and we nevertheless give in.
I will finish by saying this, if you are a woman and you are in my life, in a big way or a small way, I guarantee that I have been jealous of you and have felt competitive with you in some way. For that I am sorry. Jealousy never brings out the best in me and it certainly never helps bring people closer together. But I do hope to better myself by being honest with you about what I love in you, what I'm admire in you, and how much I appreciate you. Because if it weren't for the amazing women in my life I wouldn't be who I am today and I certainly would not be able to get to where ever it is that I'm going. You are all beautiful, and you are all loved. Thank you, for being in my life.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
For it's one, two, three strikes you're out, of the old ball game!
Today we took Julia to her first spring training game for the Arizona Diamond Backs. Sadly, we lost to the Rockies but I don't really go for the game... I go for the food, which is a good enough reason for me to go anywhere, but I digress.
Julia had a grand time! She slept a little and was adored by many, she was a perfect little baby.
Julia had a grand time! She slept a little and was adored by many, she was a perfect little baby.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
"Like sands through the hourglass, these are the days of our lives"
Dear Julia,
You are almost six months old. The phrase "it went by so fast" seems a little cliche, but it is nonetheless true. I feel as though I blinked once and I was in the delivery room, I blinked twice and we were bringing you home from the hospital (okay maybe that was three blinks) and one more blink and you'll be graduating high school. You have brought more light into my life than I could have ever imagined. Every morning when I wake up and see your bright shining face I can hardly believe that God choose us to be the parents of such a beautiful child.
It was just five and a half months ago that you were in my belly. I was worrying about my feet swelling and what color your room should be. Now I worry about what dangers you might encounter in this world and how best to prepare you for them. I have not known any kind of worry such the one I experience as a mother. Please know, however, that when you are older and you think I'm being unreasonable, it is truly only because I love you more than I have ever loved anyone or anything. I know I won't always be right, I won't always have the answer, I won't always be your favorite person and I won't always be able to fix everything with a hug and a kiss. But I will always try my hardest to do what is right for you, to lead you on the path of righteousness, and to trust God to protect you and give you the answers when I know I cannot.
It might be impossible for me to put into words just how much you mean to me or how much you have changed my life. People say your life changes completely when you have children but I never knew that changed would involve your heart. You, Julia Marie Grant, have changed my heart forever. You left your beautiful little hand print on it and marked it as yours. I know you aren't growing up in a perfect world but it does have it's beautiful moments. Moments such as the one when I first laid eyes on you and held you in my arms. I couldn't stop staring at you. You were the most beautiful creation I had ever seen. You will always be the most beautiful creation I have ever seen, "for you are fearfully and wonderfully made..."
I look forward to the journey we are already on the path of. I look forward to seeing the person you are going to become and the successes and failures that will help you get there. I will always be there to cheer you on, whether on this earth or in your heart and I will always love you, my precious girl, my little one, my Julia.
Loving you always and forever,
Mom
You are almost six months old. The phrase "it went by so fast" seems a little cliche, but it is nonetheless true. I feel as though I blinked once and I was in the delivery room, I blinked twice and we were bringing you home from the hospital (okay maybe that was three blinks) and one more blink and you'll be graduating high school. You have brought more light into my life than I could have ever imagined. Every morning when I wake up and see your bright shining face I can hardly believe that God choose us to be the parents of such a beautiful child.
It was just five and a half months ago that you were in my belly. I was worrying about my feet swelling and what color your room should be. Now I worry about what dangers you might encounter in this world and how best to prepare you for them. I have not known any kind of worry such the one I experience as a mother. Please know, however, that when you are older and you think I'm being unreasonable, it is truly only because I love you more than I have ever loved anyone or anything. I know I won't always be right, I won't always have the answer, I won't always be your favorite person and I won't always be able to fix everything with a hug and a kiss. But I will always try my hardest to do what is right for you, to lead you on the path of righteousness, and to trust God to protect you and give you the answers when I know I cannot.
It might be impossible for me to put into words just how much you mean to me or how much you have changed my life. People say your life changes completely when you have children but I never knew that changed would involve your heart. You, Julia Marie Grant, have changed my heart forever. You left your beautiful little hand print on it and marked it as yours. I know you aren't growing up in a perfect world but it does have it's beautiful moments. Moments such as the one when I first laid eyes on you and held you in my arms. I couldn't stop staring at you. You were the most beautiful creation I had ever seen. You will always be the most beautiful creation I have ever seen, "for you are fearfully and wonderfully made..."
I look forward to the journey we are already on the path of. I look forward to seeing the person you are going to become and the successes and failures that will help you get there. I will always be there to cheer you on, whether on this earth or in your heart and I will always love you, my precious girl, my little one, my Julia.
Loving you always and forever,
Mom
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