Yesterday was my last day of work, it was also the day we found out that Brian did not get into the Air Force. Bitter sweet, to say the least. I kept telling myself that in the chance that he did not get in I would keep my faith and not blame God for this. Well, I haven't blamed God for this, but I don't know how my faith is doing. Granted it's only been a day, and not even a full 24 hours at that. But I just feel a little...confused.
I had so much confidence that this was what God wanted for our family. It all seemed perfect, we all got what we wanted. Brian was going to be an office, find something he loved to do and I would be able to be a stay at home mom. We would find a great community of friends and support and be on our way. Travel the world and get out of Tucson.
This is not the case. We are back to square one. Even though I'm not the one that got the rejection I feel as though I did. Which isn't helping me be very supportive for Brian. I want to be stronger through this process. I want to be more positive, and have the faith of child. I want to be able to look this rejection in the face and say "NO! I will not let you get me down". I want to feel this way, but right now I just feel disappointed and sacred and a little doubtful.
In the deep heart of it all it's not the not getting into the Air Force that hurts, it's feeling let down by God. These things have happened so often within the last six years that I'm having a really hard time finding that God really does loves us and care for us. I feel really small for saying that. In my mind I know I should be more mature in my faith to know that no matter what God does love us and not getting jobs, not being able to move, not being able to stay at home with my children all day every day, is not the end of the world and yes...there are millions of people that have it worse. But, having dealt with big crises and small ones...it seems that God is lost in the small ones and easy to find in the big ones.
Before you think that I'm loosing my faith, fear not, I am a very stubborn person and I do still believe that God does work everything out for the good of those who love him. I don't know how, when or why, but I know that He does. So I will wait, pray and listen as best I know how.