Tuesday, August 24, 2010


What is this bright light I see? Could it be...the illustrious light at the end of the tunnel? I think it just might be.
I have been searching for a job for a couple of months now. I fought this job seeking at first because I didn't want to work, I wanted to stay at home with my little girl. But I prayed, and prayed, and prayed some more (with probably a lot of complaining thrown in there) and I finally grew up. I got my head out of the sand pit I buried it in and realized that we don't need to know all of the answers, we just need to know WHO has the answer. I still don't know the answer for that matter, but I do know that God has provided for me not one but two jobs! As many people have told me within that past week, "when it rains it pours".
Through this process I have learned a couple of important things about myself and about life. One, family is more important to me than anything, and certainly more important than any amount of money or status. God still does answer prayer(believe me this was one important thing that I needed...and I say NEEDED to be reminded of). And if we allow ourselves to be free of this world and it's daily pressures to be perfect, we can still hear God's still small voice. It's still there, in the midst of panic, stress, and paying bills, God is still there. And that gives me peace.
Peace that He will help be the mother I am suppose to be, peace that He will give me the unconditional love to share with my wonderful husband, and peace that whatever comes our way...and I mean whatever, He will be there. I constantly need reminding of this, I am a fallen sinner everyday, but I know now, through the thick and thin, He will be there. And that is all I need to know.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

I believe the little engine said it best

What is it that little blue engine said? "I think I can, I think I can." Well ladies and gents, that would be me right about now. Movin on up that hill telling myself "I think I can, I think I can..." over and over.

I am still jobless and as the time passes so does my confidence. BUT I do know something that the rest of the working world apparently does not, I am a great person. Who wouldn't want to hire me??? I me come on. I rock. It's just a fact. So world...prepare to be rocked by yours truly, because one day I will have a job and I will rock it's socks off.

(Note to self: Read to boost confidence)

In other news, Julia is trying her hardest to stand on her own, which will only lead to walking, which will leave her mother in tears at how fast life goes sometimes, but yet still extremely proud to be the mom of such a bundle of joy.

Annndd I am going to California to visit my family soon, which has its ups and downs. A down being that I will be flying with Julia for the first time and Brian will not be there to help maintain my sanity. Hopefully there will be no news to report back on execpt how well behaved my little girl is (knocking on wood... now).

Personally, I am still trying to figure out life's biggest questions and of course, as soon I think I've found an answer God throws a curve ball at me. But I know in the depths of my being that God is good. But yet I never seem to under estimate how big God really is. And He never ceases to remind me. But that's why God is God and I am not. I might be 25 but I still have a lifetime of lessons to learn.

Until next time...

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Love is in the air

It's my anniversary today! Four years ago I was getting dressed in a beautiful white gown, adorned with veil, jewels and some really rockin shoes on my way to meet my matching heart down the aisle. Yes we were married young. Yes there have been hardships along the way. But we made it through and we made it out even stronger. (We even have a beautiful little girl to prove it) I couldn't imagine my life being spent with any other man than the wonderful, patient, loving, understanding, funny, handsome man I married. He is a wonderful husband, awesome dad, and the best friend a girl could ask for. I truly thank God for bringing him into my life. I love you honey...you truly make me a better woman.

Now you all may go throw up a little, because I know we make you sick ;)

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

When life gives you lemons....

June. June you are a fickle month. During the month of June I get to travel the emotional road of not only the anniversary of my Dad's death (June 7th), my Dad's memorial service (June 12th), my birthday (June 13th)and Father's Day (yippee...my dad's dead, as is my grandpa). Oddly enough, I still like June. It reminds me that I'm human and allowed to feel bad, to have dark days...or month.
This particular June is starting out with a bang. I did not get the job that I desperately wanted. I am now on a crazy job hunt. I have decided to go back to school, because I'm sick and tired of feeling unqualified and sick and tired of being looked over because I don't have one stupid piece of paper that says "yes. I am smart enough to fall asleep through most of my classes and still turn a paper in on time."
And to top it off I have a mysterious skin condition that I will more than likely have to have surgery for. Like I said...BANG! (I never said it was a good bang. It's more like the backfire of a car that wakes you up in the middle of the night. A bang that you smack with a bat until it's twitching on the ground.)
All of these things are fairly small. Nothing monumentally horrible about them. The thing that bothers me, that stresses me out the most is the fact that all of these things pull me away from my beautiful, joyful, brings life into your life with just one smile, daughter. (Okay so maybe I'm being a little over dramatic. but dammit it's my blog and I can be).
SO anyways, life is not easy right now. I know it will get better. I know that all of these things will eventually get easier...maybe. and if they don't, then I'll just learn to deal. because that's what you do. Life is hard, and you adapt. That's what I did when my dad died, and this is nowhere near as bad.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

The truth about the tooth

Julia has her first tooth!!! Okay so maybe it's not all the way through. But yesterday while she was gnawing on my finger, I felt a sharp little edge. Proof that my little girl is growing up faster than I could have ever imagined.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Tired...and when I say tired, I mean TIRED!

This is going to be short. I am Tired. I normally HATE it when people complain about being tired. This not to say that everyone doesn't deserve to give up once in awhile and say "I'm tired", but to mention it everyday as if no one else in the world can possibly be as tired as you is completely and utterly annoying.
For you moms out there...if any of you have ever told me or someone else that you don't know what tired is until you become a mom...you are 100% correct. I'm sure there are other professions out there that are just as tiring, like being a doctor or a nurse...maybe an astronaut...but that's it. (I'm sure there are more, but as I have mentioned, I am tired). So to moms I say "You Rock!" You rarely complain (because who has the time) and you walk through life with patience and love even though, most days, you are freakin tired.
And that's all I have to say about that.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Grace, and the crazy road it takes to get there

I haven't written in awhile. This is mainly because I feel like I have had nothing positive to say, and I believe Thumper said it best when he told Bambi "If you can't say somethin nice don't say nothin at all."
You see, my life has been on this sort of permanent pause while I wait to hear about a potential job. I won't go into detail except to say that I really want this job and I think, with God's help, I could be good at it.
The idea of having a job has turned my mind into a virtual playground for negative thoughts. I blame most of it on my insecurity. Once I allow myself to go down the self destructive road of insecure thinking, it is almost impossible for me to get back. In fact whenever I do end up here I often wish I could go back for a refresher course in therapy. I become completely crazy and paranoid.
"Why haven't they called yet? Was my application too elementary? Maybe I'm not smart enough. Maybe I'm not old enough, mature enough, spiritual enough, bold enough. Maybe they already found someone and are waiting to tell me." And on and on it goes until I feel like I'm about to scream.
You see...nothin nice to say.
Selfish, negative, unqualified, worthless, little ol' me. But this is only 50% of my brain. The other half is saying positive words. I know that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. And that it is pointless to compare myself to others because we are all different and we are all loved by the Creator of us all. I know this. I do. I try telling myself all of this whenever the negative Nancy monsters attacks. And sometimes it works.
But truthfully, as I think of it now, the only thing that really works is sitting for a moment in the love and presence of Jesus. It is hard to find time to do this amidst the daily tasks of being a mother and wife. But in reality it doesn't take that much time. because He is there waiting. He is always waiting everyday for me to come and say "God, I can't do this! I need You and I need Your love, and I need it now." Because people will fail you, you will fail yourself, but God...God never fails. Sometimes we don't understand. Sometimes we feel like He isn't there or has up and left altogether, never to return. I felt like that. I have felt like for a very long time. But when I finally realized that He was there, that I did need Him regardless of what I have been through...I was freed. I was freed from the bonds of myself and this world and I could just breath. Breath in the fresh, crisp air of forgiveness and never ending, never failing love.
So I say to myself, you are fearfully and wonderfully made and God does love you. Just the way you are...today.
Breath. Rejoice. Accept. Walk in the grace of God's love.

Monday, April 19, 2010

What is this fear?

"You cannot stand aside;
the overwhelming tide rushes through,
though you may try,
You cannot stand aside,
you will be swept into the wave of gladness.

What is the fear that holds you here?
why can't you rush into the tide,
and let your spirit soar: what is the fear?

You cannot stand aside;
the overwhelming tide rushes through,
though you may try,
You cannot stand aside,
for if you have not felt the Spirit's call,
you have not read your heart!

You cannot, you dare not stand idle.

What is this fear that holds you here?
Why can't you rush into the tide,
and let your spirit soar: and throw aside your life?
Go with Christ!"

Go with Christ, Schurr

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Beautiful Simplicity

Rubber duckies make everything better. I was giving Julia a bath tonight and I gave her a rubber ducky to play with while she took her bath. She is able to sit up well enough now, that the excitement of a new toy will not force her to tumble over in joy. As I sat watching her learn how to splash her hands in the water while maintaining constant guard of her new ducky, I realized that sometimes life is just simple. Giving Julia a rubber ducky made her previous grumpiness disappear. It was forgotten the moment she got her little chubby hands on her new bath time friend.

If only we, as adults, could let things go as easily.I can say, that after giving Julia her bath and watching her face light up with the beautiful simplicity of a new toy, I felt my heart lighten, and my troubles didn't seem so bad. Maybe all it takes sometimes, is a new rubber ducky.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

A Morning in My Shoes

I seem to be keeping in some kind of order of writing random thoughts and then writing something about Julia. So with that in mind I give you the following.

Sun is up. Husband is off to work already. Julia starts to wake up. Please God, let her sleep just a little longer, please, please, please. No deal. Julia looks up at me with a smile that could melt the heart of the Grinch himself and all is forgiven.
Shuffle out into the living room with Julia in tow. Open blinds. Look outside to see what kind of weather we are having today. Think to myself I should really get outside more often. Maybe I'll walk around the park today know that I really won't walk around the park and will settle for a quick walk to the mail box...if that.
Set Julia down on her blanket by the TV. Turn on Baby Einstein. Walk to kitchen to make coffee. Realize that in two seconds Julia has managed to make a bee line for a forbidden object, bypassing all of her toys. Point out to myself that even at six months of age we are tempted by what we can't have. Play with Julia while coffee is brewing.
Coffee is done. Drink coffee. Look forward to the day when I no longer have to limit my caffeine intake.
Video is done. Breakfast has been eaten. Coffee has been drunk. It's only 10 AM. Brian will be home in three hours providing a break for me and someone to talk to who doesn't babble and drool. What do we do until then?
Julia takes a nap. Consider taking a nap myself. Look at kitchen. Make a sad face realizing that I can't take a nap because I have yet to invent the self cleaning kitchen. Use Facebook as procrastination tool. Never get around to cleaning the kitchen.
Julia wakes up. Find something to watch or music to listen to because we don't have cable. Regret the decision to get rid of the cable. Think of ways to convince Brian that cable is necessary. Realize that no...cable is not necessary. Put on something suitable for both Julia and I to watch. Play with Julia.
Watch Julia moving about learning to crawl. Look into her eyes and see the hope of tomorrow looking back at me. How did I get so blessed? Sit for a moment in awe of God's creation. Beautiful. Strong. Curious. Wondering. Happy. Loving Baby. Realize I've sat too long in awe. Pick up Julia out of corner eating a DVD box set.
Door opens. Brian is home.
Day passes into night. Waking turns to sleeping. Start all over again tomorrow.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Super Women of the world...Unite!

I have a lot to say but I don't know how to say it. I'm frustrated, I'm angry, I'm jealous...I'm interrupted by a crying baby, I'm sad, I'm happy, I'm in love, I'm in awe. I am all of these things at least 20 times a day and I'm exhausted. Am I bad mom for saying this? Probably not...just honest. Why can't we be honest about how we feel anymore? Especially women. Some how we have gotten it in our heads that we have to fancy ourselves super woman and we have to be the best...and I HATE it!
I hate how competitive I am with other women. I have to be the best cook, the best mom, the best wife, the best housekeeper, the best writer, the best Christian, the best leader, the best daughter, the best sister, the best friend, the best woman there ever was.
How did we get here? Women couldn't have always been like this. I mean they use to live in close community with one another. They use to help one another raise their children, clean their homes, cook their meals. But if some other women were to come into my home and attempt to raise my children, clean my home and cook my meals I would through a fit! Which may have more to do with my stubbornness than my competitiveness...though they kind of go hand in hand.
You might be sitting there thinking "oh my! Lindsey has some issues" which I do, but don't think for a moment that you don't deal with the same thing at least some of the time. I don't know a woman out there who hasn't been jealous or slightly competitive with another woman. Maybe she has a better job, a better house, a better a car, or better hair, longer legs, and all around seems like she has a perfect life.
You know where thinking like that lands you? Nowhere! Absolutely smack dab in the middle of the barren desert with nothing but your negativing to keep you company. And that is where I spend way too much of my time.
So what do we do about this problem of ours? I say we start with being honest. I know I've said it before but I'll say it again...we need to be more honest. Do you know how flattering it is to know that some other woman you are close to is actually jealous of you?! Now I'm not promoting jealousy by any means. I think it's a cruel monster that preys on us when are weak. But it nevertheless attacks and we nevertheless give in.
I will finish by saying this, if you are a woman and you are in my life, in a big way or a small way, I guarantee that I have been jealous of you and have felt competitive with you in some way. For that I am sorry. Jealousy never brings out the best in me and it certainly never helps bring people closer together. But I do hope to better myself by being honest with you about what I love in you, what I'm admire in you, and how much I appreciate you. Because if it weren't for the amazing women in my life I wouldn't be who I am today and I certainly would not be able to get to where ever it is that I'm going. You are all beautiful, and you are all loved. Thank you, for being in my life.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

For it's one, two, three strikes you're out, of the old ball game!

Today we took Julia to her first spring training game for the Arizona Diamond Backs. Sadly, we lost to the Rockies but I don't really go for the game... I go for the food, which is a good enough reason for me to go anywhere, but I digress.
Julia had a grand time! She slept a little and was adored by many, she was a perfect little baby.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

"Like sands through the hourglass, these are the days of our lives"

Dear Julia,
You are almost six months old. The phrase "it went by so fast" seems a little cliche, but it is nonetheless true. I feel as though I blinked once and I was in the delivery room, I blinked twice and we were bringing you home from the hospital (okay maybe that was three blinks) and one more blink and you'll be graduating high school. You have brought more light into my life than I could have ever imagined. Every morning when I wake up and see your bright shining face I can hardly believe that God choose us to be the parents of such a beautiful child.
It was just five and a half months ago that you were in my belly. I was worrying about my feet swelling and what color your room should be. Now I worry about what dangers you might encounter in this world and how best to prepare you for them. I have not known any kind of worry such the one I experience as a mother. Please know, however, that when you are older and you think I'm being unreasonable, it is truly only because I love you more than I have ever loved anyone or anything. I know I won't always be right, I won't always have the answer, I won't always be your favorite person and I won't always be able to fix everything with a hug and a kiss. But I will always try my hardest to do what is right for you, to lead you on the path of righteousness, and to trust God to protect you and give you the answers when I know I cannot.
It might be impossible for me to put into words just how much you mean to me or how much you have changed my life. People say your life changes completely when you have children but I never knew that changed would involve your heart. You, Julia Marie Grant, have changed my heart forever. You left your beautiful little hand print on it and marked it as yours. I know you aren't growing up in a perfect world but it does have it's beautiful moments. Moments such as the one when I first laid eyes on you and held you in my arms. I couldn't stop staring at you. You were the most beautiful creation I had ever seen. You will always be the most beautiful creation I have ever seen, "for you are fearfully and wonderfully made..."
I look forward to the journey we are already on the path of. I look forward to seeing the person you are going to become and the successes and failures that will help you get there. I will always be there to cheer you on, whether on this earth or in your heart and I will always love you, my precious girl, my little one, my Julia.
Loving you always and forever,

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Julia Julia Julia

In the latest news of the week: Julia cut her finger grabing at paper and I discovered that I do not have band-aids small enough for her little bitty fingers. I also discovered that a paper cut is not quite the tragic experience for my five month old baby as it is for her twenty four year old mother. I didn't even know she had cut her finger until I looked down and saw blood smeared all over the paper on the desk and on my shirt. But have no fear...all is well and the cut is healing beautifuly.

In other news (still Julia related): Julia has found that scooting is a very good way to get into things that we aren't prepared for her to get into. You see a typical five month old is JUST trying to figure out how to scoot...but our five month old is trying to figure out how to crawl and is putting this scooting business behind her. So this morning before I even had a chance to sip my coffee she had removed the corner cushion that I put on our tv stand thinking "Oh we don't really need this yet, but just in case"....well..we don't really need them because apparently Julia can just take them off. Of course this little trick wasn't enough...Julia needed to see how far she could reach and thus proceeded to grab for Brian's copy of Modern Warfare (this part made Brian very happy, thinking that his little girl will become a "gamer"...mommy has other plans ;)

Saturday, February 20, 2010

The power of honesty

Last night I went to a dance show at the U of A. I wasn't planning on going until next week but due to a delay in buying tickets and shows being sold out, I went last night. Every dance show I've been to at the U of A has been amazing. Well, almost all of them, there was an unfortunate evening spent watching sleazy clowns and a woman with a whip, but I digress.
The show last night was a blend of styles, ballet, modern and jazz. The ballet was beautiful the jazz was jazzy but the modern took a sudden turn into the unexpected. The piece was titled "Hush". A simple title, it could mean a whole number of things, but as the piece progressed I found it to mean the hush we all feel when it comes to being vulnerable and honest. If I were to try to describe what exactly happened on stage I would hardly do it justice. Just know that through the power of art and fearlessness, a group of people expressed the loss just about everyone feels in life. When you think of the phrase "why did you leave so soon?" I'm sure a couple of thoughts could go through your mind. This was a central theme of the dance and quite apparent when the words flashed in the back ground as dancers moved as only a souls expression could move.
For me "why did you leave so soon?" brings to mind the losses I have experienced in my life. Two very specific ones in fact, my dad and my grandpa. As I sat and watched this movement of the soul I was reminded of feelings that I have shoved into the back of my mind, into the back of my heart.
To me, that is the power of art. It allows one to bring to life feelings that are lost in this world. In our busy world of materialism, selfishness, and greed we get lost. We all do it.
I am more aware of this now than I ever have been before. Being a parent has made me more aware of the state of the world than I ever have before. I pray to God everyday that He will grant me the wisdom to bring up our children to love in a world that has forgotten the meaning.
This is why I am thankful for people like the one who made the piece last night. People who are not afraid to express what we all need to know...we are not alone. We all feel pain, we all feel loss, we all feel love...we all FEEL. So thank you, U of A dance program, for allowing an audience of strangers to remember what it's like to open up our hearts and feel.

Friday, February 19, 2010

The band wagon

Cookies are made, baby (Julia) is being entertained by her dad (Brian) and I am sitting at the computer posting my first blog. I told myself time and time again that I was not going to blog. I had many reasons for telling myself this. The biggest reason being that I didn't think anyone would read it and the second was that I would lack any real thing to say. But recently a dear friend of mine suggeted that I start a blog and it was just the push I needed.
For all those who are reading this and for all future readers: I do not promise this to be full of witt (though I will try) or full of heart warming stories (though those will appear from time to time). Mainly I will try my best to keep readers updated on the goingson (it's a word) of my life as a mom.
So buckle up, it's going to be a bummpy ride.