Friday, October 7, 2011

Swings and big bellies

This just in, Julia went on the big swing at the park for the first time today. The triumph in this lies in the fact that ever since shes was a baby she did not like swings. Not even her baby swing. So her willingly going on the swings today was a big deal. Hopefully this will stick, because who wants to be the kid at school that doesn't like the swings. In other news, I'm still pregnant!!! I really shouldn't complain because I'm not even close to my due date. And by not close, I mean I'm due on the 31st and it's only the 7th. But I tell you I am so done being pregnant. I have run out of things to do to get ready for this baby. I have run out cute clothes. And I just want to be able to tie my shoes again, thanks to Toms Shoes I don't have to worry about that much though. All in all it has been a very easy pregnancy. I should consider myself blessed. And I do. But I also have the "I'm nine months pregnant and want my body back, can't wait to meet this new little one" blues. Yeah, try putting that into a country song. I also want to be able to play with Julia in our usual sort of way instead of having to say "Sorry, mommy can't be a frog and chase you around the house right now." (Because if mommy were to do that, daddy would have to come pick her up off the floor).
But I know, with experience, that this too shall pass and I will look back thinking how fast this pregnancy went by and look back with cherished memories of the miracle of pregnancy and birth.
Until then, I will attempt to keep myself occupied by walking, walking and more walking.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Bitter Sweet Last Days

Yesterday was my last day of work, it was also the day we found out that Brian did not get into the Air Force. Bitter sweet, to say the least. I kept telling myself that in the chance that he did not get in I would keep my faith and not blame God for this. Well, I haven't blamed God for this, but I don't know how my faith is doing. Granted it's only been a day, and not even a full 24 hours at that. But I just feel a little...confused.
I had so much confidence that this was what God wanted for our family. It all seemed perfect, we all got what we wanted. Brian was going to be an office, find something he loved to do and I would be able to be a stay at home mom. We would find a great community of friends and support and be on our way. Travel the world and get out of Tucson.
This is not the case. We are back to square one. Even though I'm not the one that got the rejection I feel as though I did. Which isn't helping me be very supportive for Brian. I want to be stronger through this process. I want to be more positive, and have the faith of child. I want to be able to look this rejection in the face and say "NO! I will not let you get me down". I want to feel this way, but right now I just feel disappointed and sacred and a little doubtful.
In the deep heart of it all it's not the not getting into the Air Force that hurts, it's feeling let down by God. These things have happened so often within the last six years that I'm having a really hard time finding that God really does loves us and care for us. I feel really small for saying that. In my mind I know I should be more mature in my faith to know that no matter what God does love us and not getting jobs, not being able to move, not being able to stay at home with my children all day every day, is not the end of the world and yes...there are millions of people that have it worse. But, having dealt with big crises and small seems that God is lost in the small ones and easy to find in the big ones.
Before you think that I'm loosing my faith, fear not, I am a very stubborn person and I do still believe that God does work everything out for the good of those who love him. I don't know how, when or why, but I know that He does. So I will wait, pray and listen as best I know how.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Life is like a box of chocolates...or is it dvd's?

Packing day part one has begun. I have packed up seven boxes and about 3/4 of our living room and yet there is still soooo much to do.(Of course, about five of those boxes are just DVD's) But I some how am able to constantly remind myself to just take it one box, room or project at a time. So far this little reminder has worked because I don't really feel that stressed. But that might be because I'm so sticking excited to be moving.

We are moving to another apartment but it's a little bigger with two 1/2 rooms, a fireplace(which we really don't need in tucson) and the best of the best....a washer and dryer!!!! I don't like doing laundry, but I really really don't like walking up and down stairs then walking across our complex with an arm load of laundry as if I'm a college student. So being able to walk into my hallway to a full size washer and dryer is like a little bit of heaven to me. We also have a nice shaded grassy area right outside our apartment for Julia to run round in, which was the final cherry on top of our new home sundae.

Now the question is how long will we be there. We are currently waiting for the air force bored to meet to find out if Brian will be accept in as an officer. Which, if he gets in, would be life changing for us all. Also another very exciting event to look forward to. And I really can't explain why I'm so excited about this one because I've always turned down the idea of being a military family. I just never thought it was for me. But perhaps God has changed my heart for the better. It would give our family opportunities that are hard to come by these days, and possibly most important make my husband happy with his job. I am already so proud of him for even going through the long process that this has been (think of trying to get into a University...on steroids). I think I want this for him more than I want it for any other reason. He deserves to be happy with what he does. He works so hard already at a job that he hates, and I know it's all for his family. So please, anyone who is reading this, send up some prayers and good thoughts for Brian to get in. He truly truly deserves it.

Add that to our little one that is expected in October and we have alot of God's goodness to forward. It is stressful at times but it is in those times I feel God telling me to be thankful. I really do have so much in my life that makes my heart so happy it can hardly contain it. To quote Veggie Tales, Madame Blueberry "A happy heart is a thankful heart."

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

The next day

So I always think the day after my birthday is going to be sad, kind of like the day after Christmas. But it really wasn't. If anything it was kind of like my birthday kept going. It all started when I checked our mail box before work and found at least three birthday cards waiting in there for me including some fun money from my mom and an unexpected card with half naked men on it from a grandmother in-law whom shall remain nameless. As if that wasn't enough to spark my day I opened my wallet to discover all of gifts cards I got yesterday, which means a shopping day for me!
It makes me wonder why as a kid we are always sad when Christmas ends because the next day you just get to play with all of the cool stuff you got...and eat all of the leftovers. And any day that involves copious amounts of food is always a good day in my book.
And to add on a less materialistic note, one reason I love facebook is all of the instant good wishes you get on your birthday, it makes sending good thoughts very convient and who doesn't like seeing a wall full of good thoughts.
I should add as a final note that while this may seem like a very odd blog to share, it is a rather large stepping stone for me as I have always hated my birthday. I won't go into details except to say that unfortunate events happened around my birthday at a very impressionable age and somewhat scared me to no fault of anyone. So for me to say that my birthday (where nothing extordinary happened) was a good day is quite a large step in the right direction. So here's to birthdays and here's to wonderful years to follow.

Monday, June 13, 2011

It's my birthday!

Today is my birthday and is has been a grand one. I got confetti cupcakes at work, which, let's face it, are the happiest cupcakes ever. I found out that we are going to be having a little boy come Halloween (if he decides to be on time). I had some delicious steak, pasta and bread sticks for dinner and am now able to sit and relax..for as long as Julia is busy entertaining herself. It's been a good day. But of course a day as a mom is not complete with out cleaning up some sort of mess which today was scattered droppings of poop that lead from the bathroom (which is where the naked little girl ran from right after her bath) around the living room and somewhere under the table. This does not happen often but it's funny when it does. Sometimes toddlers and puppies are very much alike.

Friday, May 27, 2011


"...and in the morning, I'm makin waffles." and that's just I did. After negative nancy got the best of me last night I woke up in the morning and made waffles.
They were simple, bisquick type waffles but they hit the spot. Buttery, flaky, sweet and filling. Julia enjoyed them as well and even asked for more, which always makes a mom happy :)
Then we watched a little bit of an animal show where Julia will sit and copy each animal sound, yes, it really is the cutest thing ever. I turned on some Pandora to my favorite classical station and thus started one of the most peaceful morning's I've had in a long time.
It was a simple morning. Much like making waffles. It's not a huge production, it's batter on an iron and it's delicious. It's tiny squares that you can pour sweet syrup into one at a time or drizzle a little bit over each row. It doesn't much matter, waffles don't care. They are compartmentalized, digested and enjoyed. So when life gets you down, forget about lemons...make some waffles!

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Where have I been?

So here I sit. It is 10:30 PM and I'm sitting at my computer, obviously not sleeping as I am usually in bed by 9, wondering, where have I been? All of my friends are busy posting about their daily lives, which I do enjoy reading, when time permits..and these days there is very little time. Which leads me to where I have been.
I have been working, working, working and working. In the grand scheme of things it is crudely ironic given my last post being about how great God is to have given me a job. Well, it hasn't been all green grass and roses let me tell you. In fact, most days I feel like curling up into a ball and crying because I just can not do it all. And then I hear a song on the radio on my way to work saying phrases such as "You must think I'm strong to make me go through this...but I just can't do it" Ahmen mysterious artist I've never heard of! I really can't do it.
I can not keep my home perfectly clean for even a day. I can not keep my patience with everyone I interact with on a daily basis. I can not be the wife I should be for my Husband, the mother I need to be for my daughter, the boss I should be at work, the family member I assume everyone wants me to be. I simply can not.
Most days I wish for a magic person to show up and just tell me everything I need to hear in that moment, but let's face it...I work in retail, people are not my friend. If I'm not calming down a cranky old customer then I'm calming down my employee that they just yelled at, or vis versa. Or I'm explaining how to do something for the 16th time that day only to find it still to be done incorrectly.
Then I come home. I am happy to come home most days. I am usually greeted by my daughter with a big smile as she comes running to give me a hug. Although these days, as she is almost 2 I'm usually greeted with crys or yealling or both...ah it's good to be mom.
But that's just the thing, it is good to be a mom. I love it. I love it more than I ever thought I would. And that's why I feel completely torn everyday I leave my family behind. I just keep telling myself that thousands of parents raise perfectly fin kids while they both work full time jobs. And it works for them, I don't know how, but it does. And then I have this voice in the back of my what cost?
I know I can only speak for myself. But at the end of the day after people have been yealling at me, after I have used up every last ounce of patience I have, I am not the best parent or wife I can be.
I'm drained, spent, all dried up. I use the best of me at work with people that I only care for about 50% of the time. I care 110% for my husband and daughter and they get about 35% of me. It's backwards living at it's best. I might be able to justify all of this if I really liked my job, but I don't. I do it for the money which leaves an ache in my heart everytime I think about it (You see, I just don't like money...but that's another blog at another time..or rant I should say).
I'm sure there are women out there that are going through this same thing. But I just always asume they are handeling it better than I am. I don't even know that I'm looking for answers. I just want some sort of balance and to not feel like I have let someone down at the end of the day. Ugh...if only there were some examples of women who don't have it all together, or at least don't pretend to...those are some women I could follow.