So here I sit. It is 10:30 PM and I'm sitting at my computer, obviously not sleeping as I am usually in bed by 9, wondering, where have I been? All of my friends are busy posting about their daily lives, which I do enjoy reading, when time permits..and these days there is very little time. Which leads me to where I have been.
I have been working, working, working and working. In the grand scheme of things it is crudely ironic given my last post being about how great God is to have given me a job. Well, it hasn't been all green grass and roses let me tell you. In fact, most days I feel like curling up into a ball and crying because I just can not do it all. And then I hear a song on the radio on my way to work saying phrases such as "You must think I'm strong to make me go through this...but I just can't do it" Ahmen mysterious artist I've never heard of! I really can't do it.
I can not keep my home perfectly clean for even a day. I can not keep my patience with everyone I interact with on a daily basis. I can not be the wife I should be for my Husband, the mother I need to be for my daughter, the boss I should be at work, the family member I assume everyone wants me to be. I simply can not.
Most days I wish for a magic person to show up and just tell me everything I need to hear in that moment, but let's face it...I work in retail, people are not my friend. If I'm not calming down a cranky old customer then I'm calming down my employee that they just yelled at, or vis versa. Or I'm explaining how to do something for the 16th time that day only to find it still to be done incorrectly.
Then I come home. I am happy to come home most days. I am usually greeted by my daughter with a big smile as she comes running to give me a hug. Although these days, as she is almost 2 I'm usually greeted with crys or yealling or both...ah it's good to be mom.
But that's just the thing, it is good to be a mom. I love it. I love it more than I ever thought I would. And that's why I feel completely torn everyday I leave my family behind. I just keep telling myself that thousands of parents raise perfectly fin kids while they both work full time jobs. And it works for them, I don't know how, but it does. And then I have this voice in the back of my head..at what cost?
I know I can only speak for myself. But at the end of the day after people have been yealling at me, after I have used up every last ounce of patience I have, I am not the best parent or wife I can be.
I'm drained, spent, all dried up. I use the best of me at work with people that I only care for about 50% of the time. I care 110% for my husband and daughter and they get about 35% of me. It's backwards living at it's best. I might be able to justify all of this if I really liked my job, but I don't. I do it for the money which leaves an ache in my heart everytime I think about it (You see, I just don't like money...but that's another blog at another time..or rant I should say).
I'm sure there are women out there that are going through this same thing. But I just always asume they are handeling it better than I am. I don't even know that I'm looking for answers. I just want some sort of balance and to not feel like I have let someone down at the end of the day. Ugh...if only there were some examples of women who don't have it all together, or at least don't pretend to...those are some women I could follow.