It's my birthday!

Today is my birthday and is has been a grand one. I got confetti cupcakes at work, which, let's face it, are the happiest cupcakes ever. I found out that we are going to be having a little boy come Halloween (if he decides to be on time). I had some delicious steak, pasta and bread sticks for dinner and am now able to sit and relax..for as long as Julia is busy entertaining herself. It's been a good day. But of course a day as a mom is not complete with out cleaning up some sort of mess which today was scattered droppings of poop that lead from the bathroom (which is where the naked little girl ran from right after her bath) around the living room and somewhere under the table. This does not happen often but it's funny when it does. Sometimes toddlers and puppies are very much alike.

Waffles

"...and in the morning, I'm makin waffles." and that's just I did. After negative nancy got the best of me last night I woke up in the morning and made waffles.
They were simple, bisquick type waffles but they hit the spot. Buttery, flaky, sweet and filling. Julia enjoyed them as well and even asked for more, which always makes a mom happy :)
Then we watched a little bit of an animal show where Julia will sit and copy each animal sound, yes, it really is the cutest thing ever. I turned on some Pandora to my favorite classical station and thus started one of the most peaceful morning's I've had in a long time.
It was a simple morning. Much like making waffles. It's not a huge production, it's batter on an iron and it's delicious. It's tiny squares that you can pour sweet syrup into one at a time or drizzle a little bit over each row. It doesn't much matter, waffles don't care. They are compartmentalized, digested and enjoyed. So when life gets you down, forget about lemons...make some waffles!

Where have I been?

So here I sit. It is 10:30 PM and I'm sitting at my computer, obviously not sleeping as I am usually in bed by 9, wondering, where have I been? All of my friends are busy posting about their daily lives, which I do enjoy reading, when time permits..and these days there is very little time. Which leads me to where I have been.
I have been working, working, working and working. In the grand scheme of things it is crudely ironic given my last post being about how great God is to have given me a job. Well, it hasn't been all green grass and roses let me tell you. In fact, most days I feel like curling up into a ball and crying because I just can not do it all. And then I hear a song on the radio on my way to work saying phrases such as "You must think I'm strong to make me go through this...but I just can't do it" Ahmen mysterious artist I've never heard of! I really can't do it.
I can not keep my home perfectly clean for even a day. I can not keep my patience with everyone I interact with on a daily basis. I can not be the wife I should be for my Husband, the mother I need to be for my daughter, the boss I should be at work, the family member I assume everyone wants me to be. I simply can not.
Most days I wish for a magic person to show up and just tell me everything I need to hear in that moment, but let's face it...I work in retail, people are not my friend. If I'm not calming down a cranky old customer then I'm calming down my employee that they just yelled at, or vis versa. Or I'm explaining how to do something for the 16th time that day only to find it still to be done incorrectly.
Then I come home. I am happy to come home most days. I am usually greeted by my daughter with a big smile as she comes running to give me a hug. Although these days, as she is almost 2 I'm usually greeted with crys or yealling or both...ah it's good to be mom.
But that's just the thing, it is good to be a mom. I love it. I love it more than I ever thought I would. And that's why I feel completely torn everyday I leave my family behind. I just keep telling myself that thousands of parents raise perfectly fin kids while they both work full time jobs. And it works for them, I don't know how, but it does. And then I have this voice in the back of my head..at what cost?
I know I can only speak for myself. But at the end of the day after people have been yealling at me, after I have used up every last ounce of patience I have, I am not the best parent or wife I can be.
I'm drained, spent, all dried up. I use the best of me at work with people that I only care for about 50% of the time. I care 110% for my husband and daughter and they get about 35% of me. It's backwards living at it's best. I might be able to justify all of this if I really liked my job, but I don't. I do it for the money which leaves an ache in my heart everytime I think about it (You see, I just don't like money...but that's another blog at another time..or rant I should say).
I'm sure there are women out there that are going through this same thing. But I just always asume they are handeling it better than I am. I don't even know that I'm looking for answers. I just want some sort of balance and to not feel like I have let someone down at the end of the day. Ugh...if only there were some examples of women who don't have it all together, or at least don't pretend to...those are some women I could follow.

Peace

What is this bright light I see? Could it be...the illustrious light at the end of the tunnel? I think it just might be.
I have been searching for a job for a couple of months now. I fought this job seeking at first because I didn't want to work, I wanted to stay at home with my little girl. But I prayed, and prayed, and prayed some more (with probably a lot of complaining thrown in there) and I finally grew up. I got my head out of the sand pit I buried it in and realized that we don't need to know all of the answers, we just need to know WHO has the answer. I still don't know the answer for that matter, but I do know that God has provided for me not one but two jobs! As many people have told me within that past week, "when it rains it pours".
Through this process I have learned a couple of important things about myself and about life. One, family is more important to me than anything, and certainly more important than any amount of money or status. God still does answer prayer(believe me this was one important thing that I needed...and I say NEEDED to be reminded of). And if we allow ourselves to be free of this world and it's daily pressures to be perfect, we can still hear God's still small voice. It's still there, in the midst of panic, stress, and paying bills, God is still there. And that gives me peace.
Peace that He will help be the mother I am suppose to be, peace that He will give me the unconditional love to share with my wonderful husband, and peace that whatever comes our way...and I mean whatever, He will be there. I constantly need reminding of this, I am a fallen sinner everyday, but I know now, through the thick and thin, He will be there. And that is all I need to know.

I believe the little engine said it best

What is it that little blue engine said? "I think I can, I think I can." Well ladies and gents, that would be me right about now. Movin on up that hill telling myself "I think I can, I think I can..." over and over.

I am still jobless and as the time passes so does my confidence. BUT I do know something that the rest of the working world apparently does not, I am a great person. Who wouldn't want to hire me??? I me come on. I rock. It's just a fact. So world...prepare to be rocked by yours truly, because one day I will have a job and I will rock it's socks off.

(Note to self: Read to boost confidence)

In other news, Julia is trying her hardest to stand on her own, which will only lead to walking, which will leave her mother in tears at how fast life goes sometimes, but yet still extremely proud to be the mom of such a bundle of joy.

Annndd I am going to California to visit my family soon, which has its ups and downs. A down being that I will be flying with Julia for the first time and Brian will not be there to help maintain my sanity. Hopefully there will be no news to report back on execpt how well behaved my little girl is (knocking on wood... now).

Personally, I am still trying to figure out life's biggest questions and of course, as soon I think I've found an answer God throws a curve ball at me. But I know in the depths of my being that God is good. But yet I never seem to under estimate how big God really is. And He never ceases to remind me. But that's why God is God and I am not. I might be 25 but I still have a lifetime of lessons to learn.

Until next time...

Love is in the air

It's my anniversary today! Four years ago I was getting dressed in a beautiful white gown, adorned with veil, jewels and some really rockin shoes on my way to meet my matching heart down the aisle. Yes we were married young. Yes there have been hardships along the way. But we made it through and we made it out even stronger. (We even have a beautiful little girl to prove it) I couldn't imagine my life being spent with any other man than the wonderful, patient, loving, understanding, funny, handsome man I married. He is a wonderful husband, awesome dad, and the best friend a girl could ask for. I truly thank God for bringing him into my life. I love you honey...you truly make me a better woman.

Now you all may go throw up a little, because I know we make you sick ;)

When life gives you lemons....

June. June you are a fickle month. During the month of June I get to travel the emotional road of not only the anniversary of my Dad's death (June 7th), my Dad's memorial service (June 12th), my birthday (June 13th)and Father's Day (yippee...my dad's dead, as is my grandpa). Oddly enough, I still like June. It reminds me that I'm human and allowed to feel bad, to have dark days...or month.
This particular June is starting out with a bang. I did not get the job that I desperately wanted. I am now on a crazy job hunt. I have decided to go back to school, because I'm sick and tired of feeling unqualified and sick and tired of being looked over because I don't have one stupid piece of paper that says "yes. I am smart enough to fall asleep through most of my classes and still turn a paper in on time."
And to top it off I have a mysterious skin condition that I will more than likely have to have surgery for. Like I said...BANG! (I never said it was a good bang. It's more like the backfire of a car that wakes you up in the middle of the night. A bang that you smack with a bat until it's twitching on the ground.)
All of these things are fairly small. Nothing monumentally horrible about them. The thing that bothers me, that stresses me out the most is the fact that all of these things pull me away from my beautiful, joyful, brings life into your life with just one smile, daughter. (Okay so maybe I'm being a little over dramatic. but dammit it's my blog and I can be).
SO anyways, life is not easy right now. I know it will get better. I know that all of these things will eventually get easier...maybe. and if they don't, then I'll just learn to deal. because that's what you do. Life is hard, and you adapt. That's what I did when my dad died, and this is nowhere near as bad.