Peace

What is this bright light I see? Could it be...the illustrious light at the end of the tunnel? I think it just might be.
I have been searching for a job for a couple of months now. I fought this job seeking at first because I didn't want to work, I wanted to stay at home with my little girl. But I prayed, and prayed, and prayed some more (with probably a lot of complaining thrown in there) and I finally grew up. I got my head out of the sand pit I buried it in and realized that we don't need to know all of the answers, we just need to know WHO has the answer. I still don't know the answer for that matter, but I do know that God has provided for me not one but two jobs! As many people have told me within that past week, "when it rains it pours".
Through this process I have learned a couple of important things about myself and about life. One, family is more important to me than anything, and certainly more important than any amount of money or status. God still does answer prayer(believe me this was one important thing that I needed...and I say NEEDED to be reminded of). And if we allow ourselves to be free of this world and it's daily pressures to be perfect, we can still hear God's still small voice. It's still there, in the midst of panic, stress, and paying bills, God is still there. And that gives me peace.
Peace that He will help be the mother I am suppose to be, peace that He will give me the unconditional love to share with my wonderful husband, and peace that whatever comes our way...and I mean whatever, He will be there. I constantly need reminding of this, I am a fallen sinner everyday, but I know now, through the thick and thin, He will be there. And that is all I need to know.

I believe the little engine said it best

What is it that little blue engine said? "I think I can, I think I can." Well ladies and gents, that would be me right about now. Movin on up that hill telling myself "I think I can, I think I can..." over and over.

I am still jobless and as the time passes so does my confidence. BUT I do know something that the rest of the working world apparently does not, I am a great person. Who wouldn't want to hire me??? I me come on. I rock. It's just a fact. So world...prepare to be rocked by yours truly, because one day I will have a job and I will rock it's socks off.

(Note to self: Read to boost confidence)

In other news, Julia is trying her hardest to stand on her own, which will only lead to walking, which will leave her mother in tears at how fast life goes sometimes, but yet still extremely proud to be the mom of such a bundle of joy.

Annndd I am going to California to visit my family soon, which has its ups and downs. A down being that I will be flying with Julia for the first time and Brian will not be there to help maintain my sanity. Hopefully there will be no news to report back on execpt how well behaved my little girl is (knocking on wood... now).

Personally, I am still trying to figure out life's biggest questions and of course, as soon I think I've found an answer God throws a curve ball at me. But I know in the depths of my being that God is good. But yet I never seem to under estimate how big God really is. And He never ceases to remind me. But that's why God is God and I am not. I might be 25 but I still have a lifetime of lessons to learn.

Until next time...

Love is in the air

It's my anniversary today! Four years ago I was getting dressed in a beautiful white gown, adorned with veil, jewels and some really rockin shoes on my way to meet my matching heart down the aisle. Yes we were married young. Yes there have been hardships along the way. But we made it through and we made it out even stronger. (We even have a beautiful little girl to prove it) I couldn't imagine my life being spent with any other man than the wonderful, patient, loving, understanding, funny, handsome man I married. He is a wonderful husband, awesome dad, and the best friend a girl could ask for. I truly thank God for bringing him into my life. I love you honey...you truly make me a better woman.

Now you all may go throw up a little, because I know we make you sick ;)

When life gives you lemons....

June. June you are a fickle month. During the month of June I get to travel the emotional road of not only the anniversary of my Dad's death (June 7th), my Dad's memorial service (June 12th), my birthday (June 13th)and Father's Day (yippee...my dad's dead, as is my grandpa). Oddly enough, I still like June. It reminds me that I'm human and allowed to feel bad, to have dark days...or month.
This particular June is starting out with a bang. I did not get the job that I desperately wanted. I am now on a crazy job hunt. I have decided to go back to school, because I'm sick and tired of feeling unqualified and sick and tired of being looked over because I don't have one stupid piece of paper that says "yes. I am smart enough to fall asleep through most of my classes and still turn a paper in on time."
And to top it off I have a mysterious skin condition that I will more than likely have to have surgery for. Like I said...BANG! (I never said it was a good bang. It's more like the backfire of a car that wakes you up in the middle of the night. A bang that you smack with a bat until it's twitching on the ground.)
All of these things are fairly small. Nothing monumentally horrible about them. The thing that bothers me, that stresses me out the most is the fact that all of these things pull me away from my beautiful, joyful, brings life into your life with just one smile, daughter. (Okay so maybe I'm being a little over dramatic. but dammit it's my blog and I can be).
SO anyways, life is not easy right now. I know it will get better. I know that all of these things will eventually get easier...maybe. and if they don't, then I'll just learn to deal. because that's what you do. Life is hard, and you adapt. That's what I did when my dad died, and this is nowhere near as bad.

The truth about the tooth

Julia has her first tooth!!! Okay so maybe it's not all the way through. But yesterday while she was gnawing on my finger, I felt a sharp little edge. Proof that my little girl is growing up faster than I could have ever imagined.

Tired...and when I say tired, I mean TIRED!

This is going to be short. I am Tired. I normally HATE it when people complain about being tired. This not to say that everyone doesn't deserve to give up once in awhile and say "I'm tired", but to mention it everyday as if no one else in the world can possibly be as tired as you is completely and utterly annoying.
For you moms out there...if any of you have ever told me or someone else that you don't know what tired is until you become a mom...you are 100% correct. I'm sure there are other professions out there that are just as tiring, like being a doctor or a nurse...maybe an astronaut...but that's it. (I'm sure there are more, but as I have mentioned, I am tired). So to moms I say "You Rock!" You rarely complain (because who has the time) and you walk through life with patience and love even though, most days, you are freakin tired.
And that's all I have to say about that.

Grace, and the crazy road it takes to get there

I haven't written in awhile. This is mainly because I feel like I have had nothing positive to say, and I believe Thumper said it best when he told Bambi "If you can't say somethin nice don't say nothin at all."
You see, my life has been on this sort of permanent pause while I wait to hear about a potential job. I won't go into detail except to say that I really want this job and I think, with God's help, I could be good at it.
The idea of having a job has turned my mind into a virtual playground for negative thoughts. I blame most of it on my insecurity. Once I allow myself to go down the self destructive road of insecure thinking, it is almost impossible for me to get back. In fact whenever I do end up here I often wish I could go back for a refresher course in therapy. I become completely crazy and paranoid.
"Why haven't they called yet? Was my application too elementary? Maybe I'm not smart enough. Maybe I'm not old enough, mature enough, spiritual enough, bold enough. Maybe they already found someone and are waiting to tell me." And on and on it goes until I feel like I'm about to scream.
You see...nothin nice to say.
Selfish, negative, unqualified, worthless, little ol' me. But this is only 50% of my brain. The other half is saying positive words. I know that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. And that it is pointless to compare myself to others because we are all different and we are all loved by the Creator of us all. I know this. I do. I try telling myself all of this whenever the negative Nancy monsters attacks. And sometimes it works.
But truthfully, as I think of it now, the only thing that really works is sitting for a moment in the love and presence of Jesus. It is hard to find time to do this amidst the daily tasks of being a mother and wife. But in reality it doesn't take that much time. because He is there waiting. He is always waiting everyday for me to come and say "God, I can't do this! I need You and I need Your love, and I need it now." Because people will fail you, you will fail yourself, but God...God never fails. Sometimes we don't understand. Sometimes we feel like He isn't there or has up and left altogether, never to return. I felt like that. I have felt like for a very long time. But when I finally realized that He was there, that I did need Him regardless of what I have been through...I was freed. I was freed from the bonds of myself and this world and I could just breath. Breath in the fresh, crisp air of forgiveness and never ending, never failing love.
So I say to myself, you are fearfully and wonderfully made and God does love you. Just the way you are...today.
Breath. Rejoice. Accept. Walk in the grace of God's love.