The truth about the tooth

Julia has her first tooth!!! Okay so maybe it's not all the way through. But yesterday while she was gnawing on my finger, I felt a sharp little edge. Proof that my little girl is growing up faster than I could have ever imagined.

Tired...and when I say tired, I mean TIRED!

This is going to be short. I am Tired. I normally HATE it when people complain about being tired. This not to say that everyone doesn't deserve to give up once in awhile and say "I'm tired", but to mention it everyday as if no one else in the world can possibly be as tired as you is completely and utterly annoying.
For you moms out there...if any of you have ever told me or someone else that you don't know what tired is until you become a mom...you are 100% correct. I'm sure there are other professions out there that are just as tiring, like being a doctor or a nurse...maybe an astronaut...but that's it. (I'm sure there are more, but as I have mentioned, I am tired). So to moms I say "You Rock!" You rarely complain (because who has the time) and you walk through life with patience and love even though, most days, you are freakin tired.
And that's all I have to say about that.

Grace, and the crazy road it takes to get there

I haven't written in awhile. This is mainly because I feel like I have had nothing positive to say, and I believe Thumper said it best when he told Bambi "If you can't say somethin nice don't say nothin at all."
You see, my life has been on this sort of permanent pause while I wait to hear about a potential job. I won't go into detail except to say that I really want this job and I think, with God's help, I could be good at it.
The idea of having a job has turned my mind into a virtual playground for negative thoughts. I blame most of it on my insecurity. Once I allow myself to go down the self destructive road of insecure thinking, it is almost impossible for me to get back. In fact whenever I do end up here I often wish I could go back for a refresher course in therapy. I become completely crazy and paranoid.
"Why haven't they called yet? Was my application too elementary? Maybe I'm not smart enough. Maybe I'm not old enough, mature enough, spiritual enough, bold enough. Maybe they already found someone and are waiting to tell me." And on and on it goes until I feel like I'm about to scream.
You see...nothin nice to say.
Selfish, negative, unqualified, worthless, little ol' me. But this is only 50% of my brain. The other half is saying positive words. I know that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. And that it is pointless to compare myself to others because we are all different and we are all loved by the Creator of us all. I know this. I do. I try telling myself all of this whenever the negative Nancy monsters attacks. And sometimes it works.
But truthfully, as I think of it now, the only thing that really works is sitting for a moment in the love and presence of Jesus. It is hard to find time to do this amidst the daily tasks of being a mother and wife. But in reality it doesn't take that much time. because He is there waiting. He is always waiting everyday for me to come and say "God, I can't do this! I need You and I need Your love, and I need it now." Because people will fail you, you will fail yourself, but God...God never fails. Sometimes we don't understand. Sometimes we feel like He isn't there or has up and left altogether, never to return. I felt like that. I have felt like for a very long time. But when I finally realized that He was there, that I did need Him regardless of what I have been through...I was freed. I was freed from the bonds of myself and this world and I could just breath. Breath in the fresh, crisp air of forgiveness and never ending, never failing love.
So I say to myself, you are fearfully and wonderfully made and God does love you. Just the way you are...today.
Breath. Rejoice. Accept. Walk in the grace of God's love.

What is this fear?

"You cannot stand aside;
the overwhelming tide rushes through,
though you may try,
You cannot stand aside,
you will be swept into the wave of gladness.

What is the fear that holds you here?
why can't you rush into the tide,
and let your spirit soar: what is the fear?

You cannot stand aside;
the overwhelming tide rushes through,
though you may try,
You cannot stand aside,
for if you have not felt the Spirit's call,
you have not read your heart!

You cannot, you dare not stand idle.

What is this fear that holds you here?
Why can't you rush into the tide,
and let your spirit soar: and throw aside your life?
Go with Christ!"

Go with Christ, Schurr

Beautiful Simplicity

Rubber duckies make everything better. I was giving Julia a bath tonight and I gave her a rubber ducky to play with while she took her bath. She is able to sit up well enough now, that the excitement of a new toy will not force her to tumble over in joy. As I sat watching her learn how to splash her hands in the water while maintaining constant guard of her new ducky, I realized that sometimes life is just simple. Giving Julia a rubber ducky made her previous grumpiness disappear. It was forgotten the moment she got her little chubby hands on her new bath time friend.

If only we, as adults, could let things go as easily.I can say, that after giving Julia her bath and watching her face light up with the beautiful simplicity of a new toy, I felt my heart lighten, and my troubles didn't seem so bad. Maybe all it takes sometimes, is a new rubber ducky.

A Morning in My Shoes

I seem to be keeping in some kind of order of writing random thoughts and then writing something about Julia. So with that in mind I give you the following.

Sun is up. Husband is off to work already. Julia starts to wake up. Please God, let her sleep just a little longer, please, please, please. No deal. Julia looks up at me with a smile that could melt the heart of the Grinch himself and all is forgiven.
Shuffle out into the living room with Julia in tow. Open blinds. Look outside to see what kind of weather we are having today. Think to myself I should really get outside more often. Maybe I'll walk around the park today know that I really won't walk around the park and will settle for a quick walk to the mail box...if that.
Set Julia down on her blanket by the TV. Turn on Baby Einstein. Walk to kitchen to make coffee. Realize that in two seconds Julia has managed to make a bee line for a forbidden object, bypassing all of her toys. Point out to myself that even at six months of age we are tempted by what we can't have. Play with Julia while coffee is brewing.
Coffee is done. Drink coffee. Look forward to the day when I no longer have to limit my caffeine intake.
Video is done. Breakfast has been eaten. Coffee has been drunk. It's only 10 AM. Brian will be home in three hours providing a break for me and someone to talk to who doesn't babble and drool. What do we do until then?
Julia takes a nap. Consider taking a nap myself. Look at kitchen. Make a sad face realizing that I can't take a nap because I have yet to invent the self cleaning kitchen. Use Facebook as procrastination tool. Never get around to cleaning the kitchen.
Julia wakes up. Find something to watch or music to listen to because we don't have cable. Regret the decision to get rid of the cable. Think of ways to convince Brian that cable is necessary. Realize that no...cable is not necessary. Put on something suitable for both Julia and I to watch. Play with Julia.
Watch Julia moving about learning to crawl. Look into her eyes and see the hope of tomorrow looking back at me. How did I get so blessed? Sit for a moment in awe of God's creation. Beautiful. Strong. Curious. Wondering. Happy. Loving Baby. Realize I've sat too long in awe. Pick up Julia out of corner eating a DVD box set.
Door opens. Brian is home.
Day passes into night. Waking turns to sleeping. Start all over again tomorrow.

Super Women of the world...Unite!

I have a lot to say but I don't know how to say it. I'm frustrated, I'm angry, I'm jealous...I'm interrupted by a crying baby, I'm sad, I'm happy, I'm in love, I'm in awe. I am all of these things at least 20 times a day and I'm exhausted. Am I bad mom for saying this? Probably not...just honest. Why can't we be honest about how we feel anymore? Especially women. Some how we have gotten it in our heads that we have to fancy ourselves super woman and we have to be the best...and I HATE it!
I hate how competitive I am with other women. I have to be the best cook, the best mom, the best wife, the best housekeeper, the best writer, the best Christian, the best leader, the best daughter, the best sister, the best friend, the best woman there ever was.
How did we get here? Women couldn't have always been like this. I mean they use to live in close community with one another. They use to help one another raise their children, clean their homes, cook their meals. But if some other women were to come into my home and attempt to raise my children, clean my home and cook my meals I would through a fit! Which may have more to do with my stubbornness than my competitiveness...though they kind of go hand in hand.
You might be sitting there thinking "oh my! Lindsey has some issues" which I do, but don't think for a moment that you don't deal with the same thing at least some of the time. I don't know a woman out there who hasn't been jealous or slightly competitive with another woman. Maybe she has a better job, a better house, a better a car, or better hair, longer legs, and all around seems like she has a perfect life.
You know where thinking like that lands you? Nowhere! Absolutely smack dab in the middle of the barren desert with nothing but your negativing to keep you company. And that is where I spend way too much of my time.
So what do we do about this problem of ours? I say we start with being honest. I know I've said it before but I'll say it again...we need to be more honest. Do you know how flattering it is to know that some other woman you are close to is actually jealous of you?! Now I'm not promoting jealousy by any means. I think it's a cruel monster that preys on us when are weak. But it nevertheless attacks and we nevertheless give in.
I will finish by saying this, if you are a woman and you are in my life, in a big way or a small way, I guarantee that I have been jealous of you and have felt competitive with you in some way. For that I am sorry. Jealousy never brings out the best in me and it certainly never helps bring people closer together. But I do hope to better myself by being honest with you about what I love in you, what I'm admire in you, and how much I appreciate you. Because if it weren't for the amazing women in my life I wouldn't be who I am today and I certainly would not be able to get to where ever it is that I'm going. You are all beautiful, and you are all loved. Thank you, for being in my life.